Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.