The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.