There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.