Henny Youngman
  • Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  • I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

  • My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

  • I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

  • My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?