Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.